Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
home. puking in laundry basket.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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