my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Randomize