quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
