i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
