she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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