I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
