Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
