she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
