I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sorry my hands just texted you
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
