You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
