My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
