Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
