I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
