oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
