Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
