don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
