I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
