We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
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But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
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I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
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