I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
