I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
