my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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