one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
