It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
