So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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