I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
