If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
