Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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