the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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