Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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