im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
