cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
