She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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