so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
