i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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