how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
