I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I can't put those talents on a resume
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
