OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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