So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
