The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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