his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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