can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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