He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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