If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
