So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
