omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize
