I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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