I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
