I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
