You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
