Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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