hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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