He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
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Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
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He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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