Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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