Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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