OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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