how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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