i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
