Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
