The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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