I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
