So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
