I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
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She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
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Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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