remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
